Does Sabr Mean Hiding Your Pain?

When going through a hardship, have you ever been told:

"Have sabr!"
"Just make dua and be positive"
"Be grateful – think of those going through much worse."

So you smiled, nodded and carried on — while something inside quietly broke.

Many Muslim women are taught to equate sabr with silence — to tuck away their pain, hide their exhaustion and pretend they’re coping. But this is not how the Prophet ﷺ lived sabr. And it’s not what your body or soul was designed for.

What Sabr Actually Means (And What It Doesn’t)

The Quran calls believers to 'seek help through patience and prayer' (2:45) — not through suppression and secrecy.

Sabr in Islam is not passive. It’s not emotionless. It’s not endurance through denial.

Sabr is the active choice to respond honestly with dignity and tawakkul — even when the heart is broken.

The Prophet ﷺ wept over the loss of his son Ibrahim. When questioned about his tears, he said:

The eyes shed tears and the heart feels grief, but we do not say anything except what pleases our Lord. (Al-Bukhari)

This is beautiful patience: grief without sin. Sadness without shame. Emotional truth tethered to trust in Allah. Expression of our difficult emotions and pain is not inconsistent with pleasing Allah – it does not mean we are sinful or have weak iman. And suppression of our feelings doesn’t mean we are closer to Allah.  

What Happens When We Suppress Emotions?

If true sabr allows for feeling, what happens when we don’t allow ourselves to feel?

Emotional suppression — the act of bottling up sadness, worry, frustration or grief — has been widely studied in psychology. It’s now understood to be physiologically and psychologically harmful. In other words, this emotional constipation harms your body and mind.

A 2012 study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that habitual emotional suppression leads to less social connection, higher stress levels, and even depressive symptoms. Suppressing emotions didn’t reduce the emotional intensity — it just redirected it inward.

"Participants who suppressed their emotional expressions felt more inauthentic, more isolated, and less able to manage stress long term." (Gross & John, 2012, Stanford University).

When you push your emotions down, your nervous system stays stuck in fight, flight, or freeze mode. Your brain doesn’t process the emotion — it stores it. And over time, this builds into:

• tension headaches
• low mood or emotional numbness
• irritability or withdrawal
• burnout or unexplained physical symptoms

Suppression isn’t sabr. It’s a slow shut-down.

Islam Makes Room For Emotional Honesty

Our deen doesn’t glorify repression — it dignifies expression.

The Prophet ﷺ spoke about his grief. He allowed tears to fall. He expressed sadness. And he responded to the pain of others with compassion, never minimising or invalidating their feelings.

He ﷺ called tears a mercy and reminded us that sabr is not what you feel — it’s how you respond.

In the Quran, Yaqub (AS) grieved his son Yusuf (AS) for years — so deeply that he lost his sight. Yet Allah did not criticise him. Instead, He preserved his words:

"I only complain of my sorrow and grief to Allah." (Qur’an 12:86)

These are divine reminders that faith and sadness can live in the same heart — that being overwhelmed does not mean you are ungrateful, and seeking help does not mean you are failing.

So What Does Real Sabr Look Like?

Real sabr looks like naming what you feel without shame.
Real sabr looks like making dua in the dark, not pretending the dark doesn’t exist.
Real sabr looks like choosing halal coping instead of shutting down altogether.
Real sabr looks like holding yourself gently, not pushing yourself harshly.

Sabr says: This hurts — and I still trust Allah.
Suppression says: I’m not allowed to feel hurt.

A Sister’s Reflection

"What stood out to me most was the reminder that emotions need to be released before they can be healed. That really stuck with me."
— Farrah, London

This insight came after Farrah did my online course 4 Steps To Heal Depression With Science And Sunnah. It’s designed to help you stop suppressing and start feeling — safely, compassionately, and within the boundaries of our deen.

Three Ways To Practise Sabr (Without Suppressing)

1. Speak honestly to Allah

There is no one safer to cry to than the One who already knows. Let your dua be simple and from the heart:
'Ya Allah, I’m trying, but this is heavy'. That is sabr.

2. Name your emotion

Saying, “Ya Allah! I feel overwhelmed today,” isn’t weakness. It’s clarity. Studies show that naming feelings lowers the brain’s stress response.

3. Gently take action

True sabr includes action. That might mean seeking therapy, journalling, adjusting your lifestyle, or setting a boundary with a relative. It’s not “just waiting.” It’s trusting Allah while you take a step.

You Are Not Failing For Feeling

If you’re feeling exhausted — from holding it together, from suppressing your emotions, from trying to be a ‘strong Muslim’ — this is your permission to breathe.

You can be faithful and feel deeply. You can trust Allah and still struggle.

Real sabr doesn’t erase emotion. It safely releases it.
And healing begins when we stop pretending, and start responding.

Let your heart speak. Let your body rest. Let your soul breathe. That, too, is sabr.