Why You Feel “Not Enough”: Self-Esteem From Science & Sunnah

After our relationship with Allah, the most important one we will ever have is our relationship with ourselves. Self-esteem is a major part of this as it describes how we look at ourselves and what we think about ourselves. This impacts how we treat ourselves and others. Here's a story to illustrate this:

Anas bin Malik (RA) said:

“There was a man from the people of the desert whose name was Zahir bin Hizam (or bin Haram). And he was loved by the Prophet ﷺ. He was (also) not of a pleasant (facial) appearance.

The Prophet ﷺ came to him one day, while he (Zahir) was selling his goods (in the market) and embraced him (from behind) so that he (Zahir) could not see who it was [in another narration he ﷺ placed his hands over his eyes to stop him from looking behind].

Zahir asked: ‘Tell me, who is this?’, he turned and found it was the Prophet ﷺ, so he continued to rub his back (and cling) onto the chest (of the Prophet ﷺ).

Upon this, the Prophet ﷺ (held him and) said (in jest to those around him):

‘Who would like to buy this slave (from me)’?

He (Zahir) then said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, by Allah you will find me to be worthless (a poor sell)’.

The Prophet ﷺ replied: ‘But in the sight of Allah, you are precious.’"

[Al-Bayhaqi, Sunan al-Kubra, 10/248]

It’s such a simple moment, yet it holds oceans of meaning. Zahir was a poor desert dweller — unpolished, sun-worn, unsure of his place among the people of Madinah. He saw himself as worthless.

The Prophet ﷺ didn’t argue. He didn’t quote a verse. He embraced him first — then replaced his self-condemning words with truth and genuine love. In that hug was revelation: you are not what the world says you are.

Do you also carry an inner voice that whispers, “I’m not enough”?.

Where The Feeling Of Low Self Esteem Comes From

Many people who seem capable and kind secretly battle a quiet shame - the sense that something inside them is defective or that they are fake or an imposter. They live their lives waiting for the moment when they will be exposed as a fraud. Is this something you can relate to?

Psychologists call this your "inner critic" or the voice of shame. It often begins in childhood when we internalise messages from adults or the culture around us:

• “Why can’t you do anything right?”

• “Why can't you be more like her?"

• “Stop being so sensitive. What's wrong with you?”

Neuroscience shows that repeated shaming in our early years wires the brain’s stress circuits for hyper-vigilance - a constant state of high-alert, where the mind and body are on edge and waiting for danger, even when in a safe place. A 2019 study from the University of British Columbia found that children exposed to chronic criticism show greater amygdala (the part of the brain responsible for emotions) reactivity to mistakes later in life — meaning, the body still “flares up” with danger even when nothing is wrong. So even small mistakes become a huge source of shame, worry and physical distress.

Shame becomes the inner narrator: You’re too much. You’re not (good) enough. And eventually, you start to believe it.

The Quran already described this cycle:

“Shaytan threatens you with poverty and commands you to immorality, while Allah promises you forgiveness and bounty.” (2:268)

Poverty can certainly be in our thinking and particularly how we think about ourselves, in other words - our self esteem. Shaytan understands something that many of us fail to; the importance of healthy self-esteem. The devil whispers shame, while Allah calls you to dignity and self-respect.

Shame is a satanic echo: you’re not enough, you’ll never have enough.

What Self-Esteem Really Is

Self-esteem is not vanity, nor is it arrogance. It’s the quiet, stable sense that you are worthy of love, respect, and dignity - not because of what you achieve, but because of Who created you.

Psychologist Morris Rosenberg first defined self-esteem in 1965 as “a positive or negative attitude toward the self.” Since then, many studies have shown that low self-esteem predicts depression, anxiety and self-doubt.

But the good news is that self-esteem can change. Through neuroplasticity — the brain’s lifelong ability to form new connections — we can rebuild our inner voice and the way we see ourselves.

“We have certainly honoured the children of Adam…” (Quran 17:70)

In Islam, your value was established by Allah, before you did anything to earn it.

The Hidden Cost of Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem isn’t always obvious. It can hide behind competence, humour or success. You can lead meetings, look confident, even inspire others - yet secretly feel like an impostor.

Long-term, low self-esteem is linked to depression, social anxiety, and burnout.

A meta-analysis from the University of Basel (Orth et al., 2016, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology) showed that people with persistently low self-esteem are more prone to depression, anxiety, social withdrawal and even physical illness.

How Low Self-Esteem Affects You

Long-term, low self-esteem seeps into every part of your existence - including your spirituality. Low self-esteem can block your connection with Allah. When you see yourself as unworthy, even worship feels like performance, not sincerity.

You may notice:

• Over-apologising for existing. (I'm sorry.)

• Difficulty receiving praise or love. (I don't deserve it.)

• Constant comparison and self-criticism. (I'm not not as good as her.)

• An inner restlessness that no achievement soothes. (I'm not good enough.)

• Feeling like a fraud, even when successful. (I'm fake, if people knew what I'm really like they would treat me differently.)

High Confidence Does Not Equal Self-Esteem

Society often confuses confidence with self-esteem. Confidence is situational — the ability to perform, lead, or speak well. Self-esteem is existential — the quiet belief that your worth remains even when you fail.

That’s why many “high-flyers” secretly crumble when applause stops. A 2020 review from the University of Texas at Austin found that high-achieving professionals with perfectionist traits often report lower self-esteem despite strong outer confidence (Journal of Personality, 2020).

So confidence is not self-esteem.
Confidence is how loudly you speak.
Self-esteem is how gently you speak to yourself when no one else is listening.

The Prophet ﷺ modelled the reverse: humility on the outside, unwavering worth within. He ﷺ said, “I am the servant of Allah, and His Messenger.” (Muslim 868) — servant first, yet deeply secure in his mission.

Signs You May Have Low Self-Esteem

• You replay mistakes long after they’re over.

• Compliments make you uncomfortable.

• You (subconsciously) sabotage good things because you feel you don’t deserve them.

• You feel guilty resting or saying “no.”

• You fear being “exposed” as not good enough.

• You find it hard to believe Allah loves you personally.

• You base your mood on other people’s approval.

• You confuse self-care with selfishness.

If these sound familiar, know that you are not broken — you are simply overdue for gentleness.

The Prophet’s ﷺ Remedy For Low Self Esteem

When Zahir (RA) said, “No one would buy me,” the Prophet ﷺ didn’t correct him with logic — he replaced humiliation with affection, and distance with touch. He publicly and permanently redefined his worth:

“In the sight of Allah, you are precious.”

This is emotional intelligence centuries ahead of its time. Modern psychology calls this corrective emotional experience — replacing a moment of shame with one of unconditional acceptance. The Prophet ﷺ did it instinctively.

Every time he ﷺ interacted with someone who felt “less than,” he restored their dignity. Whether it was the poor, the sick, women, slaves or orphans - he centred their humanity.

“Allah does not look at your appearance or wealth, but at your hearts and your deeds.” (Muslim 2564)

In that single teaching lies the cure for every warped measure of worth.

Want To Heal Deeper?

In my unique online course, 4 Steps To Heal Depression With Science And Sunnah, I go into detail about how our childhood inner voice can lead to adulthood depression and how to heal from this in a way which covers both the medical and deen aspects of healing.

After doing this course a student, Sarah from the UAE, wrote the following:

"This course touched my heart in ways I didn’t expect. Some parts had me in tears—it felt like it was written just for me. I felt deeply loved by Allah and inspired to take care of myself.

The blend of Islamic wisdom and science made it easy to follow, and the reflections were simple yet powerful. It truly feels like a gift for every Muslim woman seeking healing."

 Read more about this course here.

Three Ways To Heal Low Self Esteem From Science & Sunnah

(1) Re-train Your Inner Voice

🧠 Science: Cognitive-behavioural studies from King’s College London (2021) show that naming and reframing self-critical thoughts reduces their emotional intensity.

🌙 Sunnah: The Prophet ﷺ taught us to never put ourselves down. He ﷺ said, “None of you should say, ‘My soul has become evil,’ but say, ‘My soul is unsettled.’” (Muslim) - a linguistic shift from condemnation to compassion.

🌿 Practice: When you hear your inner critic, pause and rephrase it kindly:

Instead of “I’m a failure,” try “I’m learning.”
Instead of “I’m lazy,” try “I need rest.”

(2) Anchor Your Worth in Worship

🧠 Science: MRI research from the University of Pennsylvania (Newberg et al., 2010) found that regular prayer strengthens neural circuits linked to peace and positive self-image.

🌙 Sunnah: Allah says, “Indeed, the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you.” (Quran 49:13)

🌿 Practice: Each time you stand for salah, remind yourself - this invitation proves your worth. You were invited into the presence of the King.

(3) Do One Small Act Of Goodness Daily

🧠 Science: A 2012 study in the Journal of Emotion found that performing small daily acts of kindness significantly increases well-being and self-worth (Layous et al., 2012).

🌙 Sunnah: The hadith of the Prophet ﷺ , “Smiling at your brother [or sister] is charity.” (At-Tirmidhi 1956)

🌿 Practice: Each day, choose one gentle deed - smile, send someone a kind message, feed an animal. Small acts of service rewire shame into significance.

Walking Out of Shame

Healing self-esteem isn’t arrogance; it’s amanah, a trust. You were entrusted with a soul Allah honoured. When you see your own worth, you stop chasing counterfeit approval.

You don’t need to prove your worth. You just need to remember it.

Remember Zahir. The marketplace hasn’t changed much — people still shout prices, compare, compete. But somewhere amid the noise is a quiet voice saying:

“You are precious in the sight of Allah.”

Let that be the voice you start believing. That is the voice you can trust.

References

• Orth U., Robins R. W. (2016). The development of self-esteem across the life span: A meta-analysis of longitudinal studies. J. Pers. Soc. Psychol. 110(3): 331-348.

• Layous K., et al. (2012). Kindness counts: Prompting prosocial behavior boosts well-being. Emotion, 12(6), 1505–1511.

• Newberg A., et al. (2010). Religious experience and the brain. Soc Cogn Affect Neurosci, 5(2-3), 199-203.

• King’s College London (2021). CBT self-criticism study.

• UBC (2019). Childhood criticism and amygdala reactivity. Dev Cogn Neurosci, 37, 100637.

• [Al-Bayhaqi, Sunan al-Kubra, 10/248]; Muslim 2564.